I caught up with a lovely friend last week who offered to chat through a logistical challenge I’d shared with her that I’d been over thinking for days. It wasn’t anything worth getting my knickers in a twist about, but it was something that definitely wasn’t in my zone of genius (although it definitely is hers). So when she offered to brainstorm some options with me over lunch I was delighted - and after less than 5 minutes of chatting through with her - I had a plan and a way forward - simple! Why hadn’t I asked for her help before, I wondered.
But asking for help doesn’t always feel that easy, and it’s certainly something I’ve had to work through over the past few years.
Like lots of teenagers, independence was something I aspired to. There’s an alluring sort of power associated with the freedom and choice that comes with being entirely self reliant - whether that’s financial, practical or emotional. The Destiny’s Child song “Independent Women” released back in 1999 was definitely the flagship song for this.
Of course, many women in the world sadly still don’t have anywhere near the level of independence (in all it’s forms) that we’re fortunate enough to enjoy as a result of living in the UK today.
And the drive for independence and autonomy has worked well for lots of us. It’s meant we’ve worked hard and taken control of our lives and careers to get to a point that fits the mould of ‘success.’
But can we be TOO independent?
That depends.
“Hyper-independence” is something that goes hand in hand with burnout.
Hyperindependence means that you’d hate to think that anyone else might consider you in need of help or support - you’d prefer to handle things on your own, thank you.
You end up feeling overly responsible for outcomes that are entirely out of your control which takes up a huge amount of energy and bandwidth - not to mention leaving you with a constant low level hum of anxiety (not that you’d let anyone know)
You’ve mastered the ‘cool swan’ exterior - everyone else sees you as the calm and competent one - meaning that you end up being given everyone else’s problems to solve as you’re so good at it.
The obvious downsides of this over-reliance on ourselves is that it places a huge amount of additional strain upon us as individuals, in an increasingly individualist world. It means that we take on more and more without asking or allowing help. And crucially it impacts on our relationships because we’re prioritising independence over meaningful connection.
It’s not rocket science to see how this affects our wellbeing individually and collectively.
If you recognise any of these patterns in yourself, spend 5 minutes journalling on these questions:
How is your desire for independence showing up in your life and your work?
What impact is this having (positive and negative) on you and those around you?
Choose a particular area or challenge in your life where you think that hyper indepepence is showing up for you. How might you approach experimenting with letting go of your need for independence by just 1-2% here?
The Part of You That Knows will be taking a brief pause as I’m heading off on holiday See you in a couple of weeks!
Rachael x