Being selfish
And why it's costing us all
I don’t love the word ‘self-care’ - mainly because the meaning has got so mixed up with superficial wellbeing practices that do little to improve our true wellbeing.
But it’s also a simple and easy way to describe things we do that allow us to take care of our own needs, health and wellbeing in a meaningful way - so I’ll continue to use it for this reason!
Self care might look like something like making the time to exercise, doing things that spark joy in our lives or move us towards our personal values, spending time with people we care about, saying no to something so we can have some alone time, choosing to eat in a way that nourishes your body, investing in coaching or therapy, setting a compassionate boundary - you get my drift!
But what I hear time and time again from (often, but not always, female) clients, friends, patients - is the age-old idea that self-care is selfish. The insinuation that doing something that is designed to meet your needs and take care of your wellbeing is harmful to others, or in some ways morally questionable. They aren’t always saying this explicitly, but that’s often the implication.
And I’m sure that they majority of these people wouldn’t describe the behaviour or action they are referring to as selfish if it was anyone else doing it - and yet for themselves, it’s selfish.
Of course, there’s various of reasons for this - many of them rooted in the gender and societal expectations placed on women. But let’s put the reasons behind it aside, at least for now - because that’s a big topic.
What does the idea that self-care = selfish cost us? Even if it’s not necessarily our own belief - when it floats around in our world - whether that’s through media or through other people’s beliefs, there’s often a tiny part of that can seep in, becoming ingrained in our subconscious.
And this belief becomes an underlying driver of burnout for so many people - because it prevents you from maintaining boundaries, from saying no, to prioritising your basic needs. Even if the belief that selfcare is selfish is not a main underlying factor in someone’s burnout, it’s almost always there to some extent.
So what would be the impact if we turned the idea of self-care being selfish on its head and looked at self-care actually being self-full: As something that fills your cup, and replenishes you. That allows you to thrive.
Being self-full might look like making sure you’re got enough in the tank to feel supported, nourished and as if you’re able to really shine - in whatever form that takes for you - at work, at home, in your creativity or hobbies…the list goes on.
And it gives you the inner resources to really support and give to others (if that’s aligned with your values or personal responsibilities) - without resentment or expectation.
And ultimately, being able to meet our personal needs might give us the capacity to function more as a community, rather than individuals. Maybe this is a lofty idea, but one I certainly have hope for!
Some self-coaching questions - grab a pen and your journal, or take a moment of quiet to think through the below coaching prompts:
What are your self-care actions (that truly allow you to get your needs met and support your health and wellbeing) ?
How do you relate to the idea that self-care = selfish? Where might you be experience this belief even if it isn’t your own (eg family, media etc)
What does being self-full - truly nourishing and filling your cup look and feel like for you?
What’s the impact of this on you and those around you?
How can you experience some self-fullness in the coming week (in a small way, or a big way!)
Did you miss The Career Wellbeing Scorecard ? It’s a short quiz that gives you a snapshot of your overall work and personal wellbeing.
It takes 3 minutes (or just under) and you will also get sent a link to a workbook afterwards that helps you to understand how to nurture and grow your score.
I would LOVE you to try it out - and please DO let me know what you discover!
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Great post, Rachael.
I wonder if some of the perceptions about if self-care selfish is generational? Firstly, I don’t think that she would even use the word 😂 but also she probably would see doing some things for herself as more selfish than I would.
And similar to you, I’m not a huge fan of the term self-care. For me, it feels like it has been monetized by companies or it something that we need to optimize (much like the term well-being), when often the simplest and often free things are the most beneficial like walking!